I was at the library that time, revising bit about the hand before going to lab that evening.
A sms from KakJie put me in a vortex for a while.
"AlFatihah. Fatin Amira telah pergi meninggalkan kita buat selamanya. Dia dan ayahnya terlibat dalam kemalangan di Rawang."
( somewhat like that. i cant really remember)
The moment Allah take her away from us , is the moment Allah tested me with eternal loss
In schooldays. i wasn't really that close to her,
Well we have our own gang,
she with her own and I'm with mine,
but we do smile, do talk, do share stories.
We quarrel, gossip about each other, but alike sisters, that don't go for long.
We have our own way of forgetting mistakes and accepting others' weaknesses.
And when we do our matriculation years in Perak,
that was the time Allah bring us together closer.
I enjoyed the time she came to my room.
Gossipping and laughing with me and my roomies.
She gave me lot of 'entertainment' ;CD games, movies, videos, flash games,
Introduce me to lot of hotties. lol
She never forget me when it come to 'makanan dari kampung'
i still remember how she smiles, how she laughs.
she will bring along her PATRICK,
cuddled it up with Dayah's Spongebob.
How i missed her.
I like her being original. Being true to herself.
Her English was awesome. Never fail to impress people.
She always say ' Aku jahat jangan jadi jahat macam aku'
that of course come with tearful laughter.
She was bit nakal, tak jahat pun. tipu tipu hiperbola sungguh. lol
That day when Allah claim His promised to take her away,
i've never really prepared.
I've been crying hours that day. i went to my anatomy class with my brain filled with flashbacks.
You know, keep going on and on.
i closed my eyes, wish it was all damn stupid lie.
Waiting for sms telling us that all was simple misunderstanding,
she was alive, laughing on hospital bed at least.
There was pressure, on my chest, on my head.
i cant breath.
Then the tears come down. never tend to stop.
So that was it.
I cried my heart own, been sobbing all along,
chewing tissues to avoid extra 'noise'
in my anatomy lab class.
when they were observing cadaver, my woes of course, worsen.
All was imagination, you know.
But all i want to say is,
I never realized that i love her that much, until she was gone. Forever.
i guess i've been living in great fortune.
Allah do blessed me in a way, yes He do.
The number of people whom i care about,
being called back to where we come from,
All my grandparents are here, alive.
All my pak cik mak cik sedara sepupu sepapat also still living and breathing.
Also all my family members. My friends. My loved one.
Im not used to loss.
Being a physician, that is what i fear most of.
i admit, im incapable of handling the issue of death.
Im very weak at heart, no matter how strong i try to pull my breath in,
how hard i've been trying to cover my emotion and tears.
I failed. I cant visit my sick grandma and grandpa without shedding single tear.
I JUST CANT.
IF IM A DR ,I CANT JUST CRY IN FRONT OF PATIENTS (sooner or later, if im been given chance to live long enough)
The moment Allah take her away from us is moment Allah test my heart.