Janji yang pasti

Kalau dapat dilukis hati ni,
aku bayangkan
gambar langit yang mendung dan kelam serta hujan yang renyai renyai.
Satu sudut, seorang hamba yang kerdil, berdiri diam dalam hujan
Mukanya mendongak ke langit
Air matanya bergabung dengan rintik hujan
Muka penuh pengharapan
Akan keampunan dan rahmat

******
'And I know scariest part is letting go
Love is like a ghost u cant control'

Tu bait lagu Christina Perri - Words.

******
Seakan tak percaya
Seakan mimpi
Betul kah yang aku dengar ni
Tolong cubit aku
Tolong bangunkan aku dari penipuan ni
"apa ma cakap ni?'
Minda seakan berhenti berfungsi
Gagal register maklumat yang diterima

Rupanya janji Allah itu pasti.
Berkali kali aku diingatkan sepanjang bekerja
Masih lupa
Masih lupa
Masih juga lupa.
Masih aku lalai dalam nikmatNya

Hari hari aku lihat orang dijemputNya, aku terlupa
Janji Allah pada setiap makhluk bernyawa
SETIAP.
Termasuk orang orang yang kita sayang dan kasih

Terlupa aku akan simpati dan empati saat aku khabarkan berita kematian pada keluarga mereka
"Maaf, masa pakcik dah sampai"
"Maaf, dah sampai masa dia."
" Maaf, dia dah tak ada."

Dan bila aku dikhabarkan berita orang yang aku sayang tiada
Aku sendiri, lemah tak berupaya

*****

Ya Allah Kau ampunkan dosa-dosanya, lapangkan kuburkan, dan tempatkan dia dalam Taman- taman syurga.

Long Ani - 28/2/15
"Long ni macam mak hampa, cuma tak keluar dari rahim ni ja."
Allahu rabbi

Lesson from Allah : On Sadaqah

Salam alaik.

One day, while walking on my way home from work, i've been thinking, how easy my life is.
I can buy anything i want ( for now it is food and clothes), i can pamper myself with good food from lavish restaurant (lavish  for a kampung girl like me, for you it might be 'biasa'), yet did i give enough sadaqah?
I was thinking how greedy i am to spend large amount of money for myself, yet i give to others so little?

I was in regret and ashamed of myself.

And just at the moment im about to reach the foyer of my apartment, i stumbled upon a kid.
Maybe he is about 8-10 years old.
Bringing his kite with him. He approched me.

"Makcik, nak duit."

I was like, what? Pardon me? ( In disbelief.)

"Nak duit, tak makan lagi sehari ni."

I was thinking, how can a boy, in this hospital compound, holding a kite which priced rm10, said to me he had not eaten for a day. It was about 6pm at that time. Judging from his clothes, he was not that poor as well.

"Adik duduk mana ni?"

He pointed to the staff apartment next to mine.

Im thinking that he was tricking me, so he can have extra money to buy toys, or im afraid he will go to cyber cafe/do bad stuff with extra money in his hand.

And in my mind as well,

" How come this happened when im just thinking of how little i gave to others?
Is god trying to give me His lessons?"

and that is how i ended up giving him little amount of money that i had in my pocket at that time.

"Tak cukuplah, nasi rm5."

I said to him,

" u have to search for another person then, that is all i have."

and that day i walked home with unusual feeling
feeling that im extra loved
by God.

The taste of housemanship

Hello all.

Its been awhile isnt it? My life as a junior houseman had just begin, and im still adapting.

Taste of first posting - Paediatric
During medical school, i dont enjoy peads posting that much. Im not that excited to go to wards/bedside teaching.

Surprisingly, i like my peads posting as a HO so much. So.....damn much.
I like it so much that im not calculative about my time, i can go back as late as i wishes, and come back working as usual the next day.
I enjoyed my rounds and my patients.
I think 50% of it were due to nice specialists and MOs.
Somemore peads is my last posting in medical school. My knowledge are fresh, i remember a bit of everything making job easier.
My senior said that it is because my first posting where people expect less from you and kindly showed you your way around. And they said because in peads the decision making is so MO-dependant.
Which i truly disagreed. Before i informed MO about anything, ill make sure i know all the management i should be anticipating, and MO just there to say 'yes u may proceed.'

Well, i've passed peads alhamdulillah.

In peads posting i learn something new about myself- i love kids.
i never know that.
im not that kind of girl yang 'ololoo cute miut baby ni mai auntie dukung'
im the kind of 'oh. baby.cute.' the end.

How it works
Rotation in hospital sultanah bahiyah goes like this
Wards - 5A(respiratory), 5B(general+onco+surgical), 5D (used to be jaundice and AGE ward, now general)
NICU - cot room (stable babies), intermediate (not that stable babies). semi intensive (not stable) and intensive (need intensive care)
PICU and PHDW - bosses do all the job, u just there to help them write/order something/trace results/refer

Some'll be posted to clinic as well, priority is to senior poster.

Some quick notes
-HSB had the biggest NICU in Malaysia, so the number of babies in there, is like school of babies. Beware of the feeding time where they'll all cry in the same time. lol
-HSB is a computerized hospital.
-But peads used BHT system(BHT is the patient's file) , mean that u writes review on paper, but for other things such as investigations, referral etc you'll do it in the computer.. In other department, u'll key in all review in computer. (except medical, i think)
- Peads MO reputation in HSB?--> nicest MO in the hospital. thats the feedback from most of HOs. But gossipy. : P (gossiping is a norm in life kan, chill!)
-Stick with your paediatric protocol, super helpful. Bring along calculator and frank shann.
- I usually went to work around 0615H. Except in 5B where the bos (the HOD) do rounds around 6am. I went at 5am.
- enjoy the babies' cry. Let it be the music to your ear. Dont back up when they cry, proceed and do your job. Ask their mother to help you. Kerja baby memang main makan berak menangis kan?

How houseman get stressed?
It is a mystery. lol nope, Actually u can predict it.
I enjoyed my peads posting, but some of HO do find it stressful, even the senior poster.
I've concluded it depends on your interest, how you perceived things, how you tolerate your superior and how good is your teamwork.

After all, be positive. U need that the most.

HSB in this post = sultanah bahiyah. Not sungai buloh.

Funny turn of event

Today, i lost my phone.
again.

luckily this time, it was just misplaced and found by a right person.

i was at that time post-called /post night shift , and being the anxious and kalut me, i quickly changed from blue scrub gown to my white coat. I tossed all my belongings into the white coat pocket. and leaved.

i did felt uneasy, feeling like something will go wrong, so i inspected my bag on the way back on.

and ta-dah! my phone was not in the bag, not in the white coat as well.
 i went back and searched all places i could think of, and leaved empty handed. i was tired, mentally and physically, so my thought was like "i dont care anymore, just wanna zzz. pfttt"

then at home, by coincident the streamyx guy came, and he told me that i misplaced my phone.

i was in awe.

he told me that somebody picked my phone and answered when he called. he generously lend his phone to me, so i could call to get it back. May god bless your kindness sir and reward it generously.

so i went to OT room, miserably and the truth is, i misplaced both my nametag and phone into wrong pocket of white coat. with my name tag. lol. like a lame attempt to mengorat somebody kan?

in changing room there are few white coat hanging at the same place, i must put it in the wrong one. silly.

and actually, i did guessed that earlier. i rumbled into few white coats before i got back. i guessed she might leave bit earlier than me then.

may Allah rewards all people who involved in this incident with his kindness, amin.

i might cause some trouble to the girl and people in OT room - sister, MA, nurses, drs. and one of the MA i've spoken to, i think he is my patient's father.
we'll see tomorrow whether im right or not.

moral of the story is, dont let your hope down. Allah will test us in every way. It is just a gentle reminder from Him to you. May Allah forgive my sins , amin.

Allah's reward

Today is a hectic day. It was 5pm and i havent done any of my discharge summaries yet. I was busy being clerk while doing rounds, help clerking new case. I know the prognosis of me being home late is inevitable.

When dr A asked me to help her do rounds cause my night shift buddies are busy, i was reluctant. In fact, i was in tears.

I had fever, im sick, i wanna go home rest.

Let me tell u, my MOs are all nice. They apologise when they raised voice to us, and they teach us around. It feels like u have kakak kakak around u. I cant refuse her.

So i told myself. Do it for Allah. Dr A need your help, she had been working long hours going here and there. Longer than u! Considering ill be ony nightcall tomorrow, (thus the day, im off) i followed her.

Later she dismissed me, asking me to go home but i cant. I have 6 discharge summaries need to be completed.

Later i checked my temperature, 38c. Ok i do have fever. But im adult, adult didnt bow down to fever. Lol

Drs are superheros u know.

After an hour i was able to complete my job, i went to cafe. A nice lady offered me her peanut butter waffle (hsbas's waffle is the best!!) for rm1.

And there i am, smiling. I think Allah want to reward me for my patience.

Next time, ill be more and more patient. May Allah reward me jannah FOC without having to go thru mahsyar and mizan.

The change

There are good reasons why people shouldnt be working long hours. It has been few days working 7-10 and my back is tense and im starting to have tension headache. That is under minimal stress working environment. Imagine the more stressful and hectic department? i do agree some people work better under stress, but the quality of life and job, is questionable.

We are receiving bad impressions because we are on shift systems. I take what my senior said, we should change for the better. The system will slowly improvise from time to time. Flaws will be fixed, improvements will be made.

During my school time, as a senpai i disagree that our teacher decided to interfere with the ritual junior-senior asrama system. I think our junior will become rude and manja kind of people. in my time, junior hormat senior tahap cipan punya. In the end, i do agree that it was unnecessary. Bullying should stop, and seniors are actually abusing people and we called it 'privilage'.

When it comes to better quality of life, change is a must.